


Poison

by KitaraSPN



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Winchester & Reader Friendship, Depression, Family Loss, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loss of Parent(s), Other, Reader Has a Crush on Dean Winchester, Reader Loves Dean Winchester, Suicidal Reader, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Notes, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:02:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24792790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitaraSPN/pseuds/KitaraSPN
Summary: You have tried to lock away your heart and deal with your feelings for Dean. You try to fight it, while at the same time fighting your depressions after your father's death. The Winchesters have tried to keep you safe but being around Dean starts hurting more and more. It is as if he is the poison you cannot stop to drink.
Kudos: 13





	Poison

**Author's Note:**

> You have known the Winchesters for years and when you were hunting with your dad you sometimes teamed up with them for bigger jobs. After your dad killed himself while being possessed about a year ago you went hunting on your own. Three months ago you met the Winchesters again and they invited you to stay at their bunker so you wouldn’t have to go hunting without backup.

It was the middle of the night when you left your room. Unable to sleep you silently went to the kitchen for a beer. This had nearly become a regular thing. It happened at least every other night and lately nearly every night.

Sam had left the bunker for a date and Dean spent most of the time in his room with movies or music. When you passed his room the door was half open and you saw him laying on the bed. He was still fully dressed and on top of the blanket and the tv threw flickering lights on his face. You carefully entered the room and switched off the tv. You would have liked to grab a blanket to cover Dean so he wouldn’t get cold but you knew it would wake him. So you left the room and closed the door as quietly as possible. You continued you way to the kitchen and sat down in the dark. That way you could try to be just as invisible as you wanted to be. A million little things had summed up. It was the way the boys always kept you in the loop so you “didn’t have to worry”. Or the way Sam told you that he didn’t mind buying “all the lady stuff you need”. Or how they always told you they would “handle things”. They probably just had your best in mind but you felt more and more like a burden. More of a fragile guest than a fellow hunter. But the worst thing was being around Dean all the time. Sure Sam was a wonderful and handsome guy but Dean had stolen your heart years ago. You had learned how to deal with this, how not to think of him all the time, how to bury your feelings. But here he was all around you. His voice filling the rooms, his scent lingering in the air, his stuff laying around. You were already quite tipsy when you went back to your room. Passing Dean’s room again you expected silence but instead you heard moaning and groaning and an occasional mumbled “no”. You knew what that meant. With your hand on the doorknob you waited and as usual the sounds got louder until you heard him call out for Sam. Tears had filled your eyes and every fibre in your body was begging you to go in and comfort him. But you knew better. He would immediately be on full alert, weapon at hand, being grumpy and telling you he was alright. You could no longer take it. This had to end.

You went to your room, grabbed your duffle bags and started to pack. Tears were streaming down your face as you were cramming your stuff into the two bags. You went through all the shelves and drawers so you would not have to return for anything. Suddenly your fingertips touched something cold and metallic. It was your dad’s old gun. You had never really used it after his death but simply kept it because you couldn’t give it away. You sat down, slid the magazine out and in again, loaded, unlocked, locked again. It was still working. Suddenly everything became quiet. You grabbed paper and pen and wrote a note saying “thank you for everything”. Then you got dressed, stuffed the gun in your pants and left your room, never to return. You made it through the hallway and the library, but just when you reached the stairs you heard a voice behind you.

“Thank you for everything?”

You felt like some spell had paralyzed you. This could not be true. How could he already have found the note and even cought up with you? When you turned around you saw that he had apparently taken another, shorter route through the bunker and it also seemed like he had run.

“Y/N what does this mean?” You tried to play it cool.

“Thank you is usually used to express a certain gratitude.”

Dean didn’t even smile. “It sounds like a goodbye note.”

You shrugged. “I am free to go, am I not? And I just don’t like emotional goodbyes. That’s all.”

Dean slowly came closer. “So you are trying to tell me that it’s normal that you make a hell of a noise packing all your stuff and then leave all your stuff behind when you go? Y/N what kind of goodbye is it when you leave your duffle bags behind? Be honest are you going on some dangerous hunt on your own?” He tried to reach for your hand but you pulled away and raised your hands.

“Its just none of your business alright?” For a second Dean actually seemed offended but then he saw that your jacked had slipped aside and that you were carrying your dad’s gun.

“Y/N you… no… no you are not doing that!” He grabbed your wrist and you pulled and twisted but you could not free yourself. “Y/N I know what it feels like if you just want to give up. But there is always a way.” You tried even harder to get away from him, but the harder you tried the tighter his grip became.

“You have no idea what I’m feeling! You know nothing about it!” You yelled.

He tried to pull you closer to him. “Alright, maybe I don’t know. So talk to me. What’s so powerful and dark that we can’t even fight it together?”

You felt the tears rising in your eyes and while you still struggled against his grip you suddenly yelled “It’s you, Dean, it’s all you!”

You felt his hand slip from your wrist and when you looked up he was pale and looked as if you had just punched him in the gut.

“I… what?”

You felt the first slow tears run down your cheeks and instead of leaving you continued yelling.

“Have you ever realized how madly, how hopelessly in love with you I am? Do you know how it hurts to know yhat you can’t love me like that? How my heart skips a beat every time you say my name? How I avoid even the slightest touch of you if I can because it will set my heart on fire like it’s soaked in gas? How your mere presence hurts because I feel like I’m drowning and you are the only thing I could hold on to but you are constantly out of reach? How it is breaking my heart to hear you scream through your nightmares and I can’t go in to hold you or to comfort you? Dean I have tried so long but I cannot take it any more. Dean, you are the poison that is killing me because no matter how hard I try I just cannot stop drinking.” Towards the end your voice had gotten soft but also shaky. “Just let me go. I just want the pain to end.”

Through the veil of tears you saw him approach you and you made a step back. But he reached out for you anyways. When you felt his hands on your shoulders, you slammed your fist against his chest.

“Just go away!”

But he didn’t. And although you started hammering against his chest he slowly but steadily pulled you closer until you couldn’t move anymore because you were wrapped in the tight embrace you had been praying for for so long. You buried your fingers in his shirt and when you felt his heartbeat you just couldn’t hold back any longer. You put your head against his chest and started sobbing uncontrollably. It was as if all the pain and all your strength were leaving you. Your knees became shaky and you were afraid you would collapse on the spot. But when Dean felt that your knees were giving in, he held you tight, carefully sinking down with you until you were both on your knees. He kept one hand on your back and put the other on the back of your head. You felt his head resting next to yours and when your sobbing had turned into a silent steady stream of tears, you heard him whisper softly

“I am so sorry…” He repeated it several times and somehow his whispers, his warmth and his embrace helped you calm down.

“Hey… look at me please.”

You hesitated because your face was all wet and swollen but after a moment you looked up. To your surprise there were two shimmering lines on his face.

“Dean you … You cried?”

He gave you a shy little smirk. “Well… I tend to get a little emotional when a friend tells me I’m the reason she wants to die… sue me.”

You blushed and looked down. “That’s not … I mean… it’s not your fault.”

“Hey it’s okay. I’ve obviously been blind as a bat and well… at least now I know what’s wrong.”

You carefully looked up. “Dean you don’t have to worry about me. I’m okay…”

“No you are not. And I do worry. Deal with it. The question is… How can I make it easier for you?”

You sniffed and whiped away your tears. “I don’t know… sometimes I think I want to completely avoid you… and sometimes I just want a hug … or just a talk… I don’t know… watch a movie with you … I know this doesn’t make sense… I’m sorry.”

Dean smiled. “It makes enough sense for me. I will do what I can okay? So… just be honest with me alright? Tell me what it is you need. And if you want to spend time with me, just go ahead and ask. I usually don’t mind at all. But you have to talk to me. You promise me that?”

His suggestion actually made you smile. “I promise. But Dean? Can we maybe … keep this a secret? Otherwise Sam will never let me out if sight again… although … the way I look he’ll notice it anyways.”

Dean gave you a mischievous little grin. “We’ll just tell him I got you drunk and you’re totally hung over. At least that always works for me.” He gave you a wink, helped you up and brought you back to your room.

To calm your nerves you decided to take a hot shower before doing anything else. When you came back to your room you found on your bed the flannel shirt that Dean had been wearing during your talk and on top there was a note.

_**Keep it, so you will always remember your promise.** _


End file.
